Part 2: The Tropes. Is Con Air actually a documentary about stag-dos?

Here's 11 things that happen to both sets of lads.

This is a continuation of a previous post. Read it for context if you haven’t already. In that satirical masterpiece, I covered some of the astonishing similarities between the characters of the action film Con Air, and the classic lads you’d find on a stag-do.

But there’s more. So much more.

Introducing… the tropes (aka: the stuff that will almost certainly happen).

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Prep the Bod

If you’re hitting up sunny shores like Majorca or Cancún, be aware that some attendees will be undergoing a secret five-month fitness regime. The sole purpose: flexing their bodies at any opportunity. Mid-activity, dancefloor, airport tarmac. Nothing is off-limits. Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage’s character) saw it coming a mile off and smashed out a variety of prison-style workouts. His reward: wearing a sleeveless vest literally every second of the trip. Well played.

Airport Introductions

6am, Luton Airport. Each attendee trundles through security to the meeting point: Wetherspoons. As a word of advice, don’t decline a pint - nobody actually wants one, it’s a test. After months of covert WhatsApp comms, your new temporary buddies arrive, accompanied only by the whispered folklore of their past misdemeanours - arson, murder, and of course - banter.

What Happens on Stag, Stays on Stag

This ancient brotherly pact allows lads to be lads without fear of consequence. Communication to the outside world about the unfolding crazy antics (normally just a stripper) is totally outlawed - no talking, no photos. At the wedding, you’ll see the gang again and can briefly reminisce. You’ll also get a chance to meet their partners, which is always mind-boggling given you’ve only seen the lads at their most feral. But until then, no squealing.

Learning New Chants

It’s literally impossible to know pre-stag what chants will be initiated. They’re often impromptu, or from people you’ve not met. Under any circumstance, don’t ask people for the lyrics - just bellow a few ‘woays’ and clap until you pick it up. Singing breeds camaraderie, it bonds people together and ensures any locals know you’re having an absolutely wicked time at the expense of their peace and quiet.

Fancy Dress

Forcing the stag to wear an outfit as soon as they get to an airport brings me unrivalled joy. One trend is to give them the same outfit as airline staff - something the naughty men on Con Air pay a touching tribute to by impersonating the police, and shooting one in the head.

The Airbnb Host Arrives… Unannounced

This one terrifies me. On rare occasions, due to the behaviour of the lads the night before or over-sensitive neighbours, the Airbnb host turns up the next morning with little to no warning. A frantic surface-level clear-up normally ensues. After that, my advice is to hide in bed and listen intently as ‘the responsible one’ (see part 1) takes all the flak and apologises profusely. Sometimes, an idiotic member of the group will decide to make things 100x worse by barging in mid-apology. They’ll argue with the host, using their beer breath as a skunk-like defence before being asked by their mate to put on some clothes.

Group Activity: Paintballing

With only a few scrapped vehicles as cover from the hellfire, paintballing highlights those who are natural-born killers, and those who are scared shitless but too shy to say so. The latter will form a top-secret ‘clique of safety’, like conscientious objectors. There’s also normally a time when the stag is forced to run solo through a firing line - a memory that becomes a highlight of the whole weekend. It’s a true bonding experience, and the bruises make for great (if a tad repetitive) conversation topics.

Someone Falls Foul of the Main Lads

Ok, this is sadly going to happen - most likely to ‘the wet home friend’. They’ll eventually become so annoying, that the alphas turn on him, savagely. This can be triggered during times of high stress, like being refused entry to the club. My advice: let it happen - there’s nothing you can do. The next morning, the bigger guys will apologise for two seconds (if that) and not think about it ever again, while the home friend will be traumatised for life, and become even more reclusive.

Covert Apologies to Locals on Behalf of the Group

Stag groups have the uncanny ability to ruin restaurant meals for everyone else. The natural loudness that occurs after legendary amounts of lager is uncontainable. As the group start to filter out and resume chanting, a few apologies might be sneakily offered to the owner and other patrons. It’s a respectful, yet highly Judas move.

New Friendships?

By the end of the stag, new wonderful memories of vomiting and zorbing will have formed, but what new friendships? Despite all the character warnings I’ve given, keep an open mind and see who you gel with. Then, when you get home - mute the WhatsApp group indefinitely.

The Stag Gets a Second Wind

After a predictably bigger-than-planned first night, the second night is a slog. The swagger has somewhat deflated, even with guestlist entry to the club (as long as you’re in before 9pm when there’s no queue anyway). With death, destruction and hangovers all around, only the bravest of stags can give themselves the pep-talk they need to stand up from the group’s reserved and deeply unimpressive area and hit the dancefloor.

Losing the Accommodation Deposit

Whether it’s Vegas or Magaluf, acknowledge that lads make a mess, and when you’re dividing all costs by 20, the care levels are minimal. Don’t be perturbed, or even dare try and clean up (not cool). Just take the fine from the Airbnb host, and let ‘the responsible one’ handle all comms post-stag. If you’re lucky, they’ll argue against the fine, despite the evidence of drink stains and broken speakers.

Somebody Gets Lost / Stays Behind

This is classic behaviour - likely from the weird bloke nobody wants to share a room with (see part 1). Whilst everyone else is travelling home slightly worse for wear, there’s one person who is flying somewhere else for more fun - albeit often lower key. This can range from a chilled one with the gf to holidaying with different pals, or recharging with their parents somewhere swanky. You’ll know exactly where they’re going as they slip it into multiple conversations. Meanwhile, you have to return back to your twisted reality, where the default drink is not a Jägerbomb. Lame.